The Falling
My mother is a fundamentalist Christian.
I am a psychic witch.
My path diverged from the Christian church back in my teenage years, but it didn’t cause any major problems until I began studying energy healing when I turned thirty and quickly figured out that I was a gifted psychic healer.
Now, I knew my mother was a Christian, but it never occurred to me that just doing simple Reiki-like energy work would be a problem for her. She had been suffering from pain for years, and energy healing was something that I was good at. So, I figured the only right thing to do would be to offer her a session–just to see if she could get any relief.
Bad decision!
To me, it was just common sense: if you’ve been doing traditional medicine and you are still suffering, try something else. But apparently, she was concerned that my healing talents might be coming from some nefarious spiritual alliance that I was unaware of.
I tried to explain that she could use angels or Jesus as healing allies in the session, but that did not satisfy her. No matter what I said, her fear prevailed.
The Truth
From that point forward, I knew to tread lightly. Otherwise, if I said anything that was outside her and her sister’s fundamentalist Christian purview, I would get ‘Christian-splained.’
As infinitely impossible and arrogant as the following seems to me, they both are certain they understand everything in the Bible exactly as God intended it, and that The Bible was written flawlessly, with no undue influence or errors from the basic understandings of the time, the historical settings in which the different books of The Bible were written, human error by the writers (let’s be honest, channelers!), errors in translations, etc.
For them, it is the infallible Word of God. Not sure how they reconcile that intellectually, considering that the English versions alone have over 50 major translations, each with slight variations in wording and interpretation, and the Catholics have their own version with extra books included. But regardless, my mother and her sister are one-thousand-percent sure they know the “True meaning” of The Bible and everything in it.
Why are they so confident? They credit their understanding to their personal relationship with Jesus. However, they then apply that personal understanding to everyone else around them and assume their understanding is a Universal Truth that all of us are bound by. (Clearly they are not fans of the MYODB concept.🤭 But I digress…)
So how does that play out in daily life? Anyone who disagrees with their understanding is incorrect–even if they are religious scholars, even if they have gone back to the original Aramaic texts to check translations, even if they too have their own personal relationship with Jesus.
The Painful Silence
It didn’t take long for me to learn that there would be no discussion, no sharing, no alternative ideas or discourse, or I would get “Bible-thumped”.
(“Bible-Thumpers”: That’s what my dad used to call it. To me that makes me think of getting smacked on the head with a Bible. Not sure that’s what he meant, but that sure is what it feels like.🙄)
So, in order to avoid that unpleasantry, I simply kept my mouth shut and let them have their assuredness and lack of mystery or thoughtful questioning—at least most of the time.
Sometimes though, I would fail.
If I thought there might be an opportunity to share something from my world that was also in theirs—something that might bridge the divide between us—I would foolishly open my mouth. Sadly, it was always downhill from there (in a bad way).
There was no bridge to cross and no conversation to be had. So eventually, I just stopped trying to connect with my mother in any deeper way.
The drivel
Instead, our calls would consist of idle chit-chat with no real meaning or depth.
When I’d call, she would talk about the weather, what she ate for breakfast, how many minutes she toasted her bread or cooked her steak, and how many swipes of butter she used.
The minutiae were astounding. Every conversation was beyond trivial.
When I was younger, I had fun with my mother on outings, playing cards, shopping, getting Pizza Hut on my trips to the orthodontist. But as she got older and divorced my father, and I had my own divorce, she just became more and more private.
She never shared anything; wouldn’t give an opinion on anything, even if I asked for one. Her answer was always, “Just pray about it.”
Add me doing my own spiritual work outside of her acceptable scope, and things became even more strained.
Sure, I would call every few weeks because it was the right thing to do, especially since I was far away. But our lives were so drastically different in every way by that point, outside of the mundane tasks of everyday life, there just didn’t seem to be any relatable overlap.
The only thing we did have in common was that we were both deeply spiritual people, but how that showed up in each of our lives was radically different. So, I never talked about my work or any of my practices; I just steered clear of anything that could possibly conflict with her spiritual views because I knew it would upset her.
That courtesy was not reciprocated, however.
The Offense
Despite my mother knowing that we do not share the same beliefs, I continued to receive birthday and holiday cards with Bible verses and other Christian-based commentary in them for over a decade. She would call me and sing me Happy Birthday—not the version we all sang growing up—but some modified Christian Birthday song about ‘finding Jesus near every day of the year’.
Really?
While I can understand this is the lens through which she views the world, and I can appreciate that she took the time and care to at least send me cards on holidays, she clearly wasn’t thinking about what messages would be meaningful to me as the recipient, even though it was my birthday.
At first, it was disheartening. But eventually, over the years, disappointment turned to frustration as these and other interactions reinforced her lack of sensitivity, distrust of my healing and spiritual gifts, and general lack of acceptance of my chosen path.
Eventually, it became too much.
I felt disrespected and it became very difficult for me to appreciate her efforts.
So, one birthday, I was sick of it. I was angry at her complete disregard for my thoughts and feelings, and I told her the religious cards were driving a wedge between us, “So, please stop!”
This time I did not beat around the bush or drop hints. I was direct and assertive, and she didn’t like it.
She was clearly angry that I had set a boundary with her and enforced it, but apparently, that’s what it took for her to finally get the message and change. The religious cards stopped, and I was grateful.
That meant a lot to me and felt like a positive turning point in our relationship.
Still though, on phone calls, she would constantly talk about her faith and how she’s always praying for me, etc.
I know that doesn’t sound so bad written in one line in a short article. But for me, it was constant, on every call, while at the same time, I knew that my own point of view would not be welcomed or received.
At that point though, I did not confront her again. I just chalked it up to disappointing and inconsiderate, and I chose to let sleeping dogs lie.
It just wasn’t worth the turmoil of how I would have handled it at the time, so I didn’t address it.
Then something unfathomable happened.
The Hidden
One day, out of the blue, for some reason, my mother suddenly decided to share with my partner (now my husband) that she has been seeing ghosts and having supernatural and ecstatic spiritual experiences all her life!
I could hardly process what was happening as she recanted her stories with wide eyes and pure glee, like a proud little child.
To make matters even more interesting, her stories and experiences were largely identical to my own.
I couldn’t believe it.
We have had nothing to talk about for decades!
I have watched her recoil in fear because she was afraid that I was working with the Devil or some such nonsense. And yet she has similar psychic skills as I do, but she hid them!
There were no words to express how I felt in that moment.
The Revelation
I had been rebuked spiritually, and talked down to for years, decades even, only to find out that we have had nearly identical experiences. And she was excited about it, giddy even!
I left the room to collect my thoughts and process the moment. I was dumbfounded. I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing and hearing.
It was absurd that I had been shunned for decades for the same gifts and experiences that she has as well.
When I returned, she was still going on with her stories. Then she looked at me and launched into, “I know you don’t believe this, but …”
That was it! I couldn’t be silent any longer. It was time to discuss the elephant in the room.
In that moment, her soul opened the door and created an opportunity for me to stop constantly living in damage control and avoidance mode.
A difficult, but long overdue conversation unfolded. This time, however, I was able to communicate from a vulnerable and heartfelt place, instead of a wounded, unskilled place.
Was it painful? Yes, for both of us. Many tears were shed. But I learned a lot.
The Understanding
I learned she too had feelings around our disconnect.
She too had to make choices to stay in any level of relationship with me, because my actions and vocation are out of alignment with her beliefs.
She also felt like I was trying to change her beliefs, even though I was always the one on the receiving end of religious education and judgment from her and her sister.
We both felt unaccepted.
But ironically, the answer had always been right under my nose, in plain sight.
My mother was never going to accept my spiritual choices or my intuitive gifts because her beliefs cannot allow her to do so. There are no exceptions.
It doesn’t matter if I’m her daughter and she should know that I am not evil. It doesn’t matter that I am logical, intelligent, kind and compassionate. It doesn’t matter that I think Jesus had an important message with important teachings.
Nothing matters to her except the words I use, and her need for absolute, unquestionable Truth. She needs to be able to put things in a box that she can label and file—black and white—no inquiry allowed.
My mother is a fundamentalist Christian.
I am a psychic witch.
She is fearfully and vehemently averse to “witchcraft”.
Of course, by her own admission, she has no idea what witchcraft is. She can’t define it and has no idea what it looks like or how to recognize it. Her only concept of witchcraft is the word itself, and the label “witch”.
And the Bible says to stay away from witchcraft and sorcery, and that’s all she needs to know.
Nothing else matters… Not science. Not history. Not common sense. Not a desire to understand her daughter’s choices and what they mean in practical life and application.
She doesn’t want to know any of the history of Christianity or Christian holidays/schedules. She doesn’t want to know what my beliefs or practices look like.
She has no interest in knowing what is important to me spiritually, what I believe, what I do, or what being a witch means to me personally, because in her mind, it is too dangerous.
I have used the word witch in the past and that was all she needed to know. Full stop. In this, she was abundantly clear: anything not in the Bible is not relevant to her life and not something she should be learning about on any level. If it’s not in the Bible, she doesn’t want to know.
The absurdity landed fully on me.
The Healing
In that moment, the profound irony of the situation hit me and I found relief.
Her intense fear, near total ignorance of the evolution of her own religion, and unwillingness to learn about any other practice or culture even a little bit—combined with the withholding of crucial information that could have been used to help bridge the chasm in our relationship and find some common acceptance and interest—was exactly what I needed to break free of any negative feelings about my spiritual gifts being shunned and feared.
In that moment, my feelings of guilt about not being a good daughter and not wanting to spend time on superficial weather-talk conversations washed away.
I had tried to bridge the gap multiple times in different ways. I had tried to find something meaningful to talk about. And all the while, she had information that could have changed our relationship years ago, but she hid it.
Equally importantly, I also came to understand that due to her beliefs, she will never (in this life) be able to see my skills and talents as anything other than dangerous, even though many of our psychic abilities are practically identical in form and function.
You would think I would have felt disappointed at this revelation. But ironically, I didn’t. Quite conversely, I finally felt free!
I finally understood at a deep, heartfelt level that her feelings and fears have nothing to do with me or my abilities, and there is nothing else I could or should have done to try to bridge the gap between us.
It’s possible, even, that we will never fully engage in a relationship with meaningful dialog again, because it is out of her comfort zone. She is a secretive person and rarely shares anything personal about herself. For her, weather-talk is good enough. That is what she is comfortable with.
I am a shadow-worker and alchemical healer. I need more for a deeply connected relationship. There must be some level of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Without that, there isn’t much point, in my opinion.
So yes, there will always be fundamental limits to our interaction. Yet somehow, knowing those limits and boundaries clearly now feels remarkably freeing, instead of stifling like before.
All hopeful expectation is relieved and now I can choose to participate without feeling hurt, rejected, unseen, or unknown. For her to truly know me would be impossible under the circumstances, and it’s not my fault.
As a result of finally engaging and doing a little truth-telling where it hurt the most, we now have a new homeostasis, and with it, new possibilities for engagement without all the emotional baggage underneath.
Happily, I see a freer and happier future for us in our visits and time spent together. And that’s good news for both of us!
Follow-up: More has changed since I wrote this article a year and a half ago. I’ll share that in another post, but it’s another big aha that has shown up in my life twice in the last couple of months, and really blown my mind in a good way!
Hint: It’s about reciprocity and a fresh perspective that makes applying alchemical work on the physical plane (in real-time) easier.😏